Elijah's Diaries
by VampSlaying101
Summary: The innermost thoughts and musings of the more sophisticated of the originals, Elijah Mikaelson. Who knew that even he struggled with loving her darkness?


A/N: So this show is still called The Vampire **Diaries**, and in lieu of that titular detail, I wrote a diary entry based upon the inner-musings of the honorable, refined, and dignified original vampire Elijah Mikaelson. Interestingly enough, I wrote this on the date that you see the entry (April 21, 2011) is written. I was inspired by the Season 2 episode 19 "Klaus" where Elijah tells Elena the story about Katherine, Klaus' curse and his plan to save Katherine during the sacrifice with the elixir. The flashback scene with Katherine and Elijah gave me this idea, but I held off on it because I wasn't sure if the show would go in that direction with Elijah and he hadn't been fleshed out enough as a character for me. Well, last night's episode of TVD has actually confirmed what I'm sure we all knew...Elijah was in love with Katherine and apparently still is. Imagine that! This is just something that came to me out of the blue when I was feeling especially 'wordy.' Oh well. Also, I put this in italics to give the allusion of reading a handwritten diary. I know. So fancy. Love it, hate it, don't care about it, it's whatever. All I know is when that Elena/Elijah gazebo scene happened, all I could say was: I KNEW it! LOL!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own The Vampire Diaries.

**The Vampire Diaries: Elijah's Diaries**

_**The Strange and Unthinkable**_

_**04/21/11**_

_There is something that I must get off of my chest. A truth that I've avoided admitting to myself for hundreds of years. I've told absolutely no one about this strange and unthinkable truth for fear of judgment and most of all...pathetic display of weakness and vulnerability. I believe my insistence on living in denial for the sake of preserving my sanity and happiness is ironically the very root of the cause of my slowly beginning to lose touch with reality and most of my unhappiness. I've become my own executioner as a result of my adamant efforts to repress, ignore, and mock my true feelings. I believe I've done so because of my opinion that doing so would make me stronger when in essence all I've been doing is leaving a wound untreated. And what happens when you don't tend a wound? What happens when you just ignore the pain and its very existence? What happens when you don't treat a wound? It eventually becomes infected. And what happens when you don't treat an infection? It festers and spreads throughout the body until it reaches vital organs. Eventually, your body will grow weaker, and begin to malfunction. You will begin to shut-down and if the situation continues, you will die. _

_This is precisely what is happening to me. I was emotionally wounded and I failed to properly treat the affliction. I didn't properly care for myself and as such not only have I failed to heal, but I've become infected. Slowly but surely the ailment has begun to consume me and I can literally feel myself pulling away...shutting-down. It's only a matter of time before I die internally and become nothing more than a shell of my former self, and so to avoid this, I speak the painful truth. With confidence that no one's eyes will read this passage but my own, I will admit that I did in fact love Katerina Petrova with every fiber of my being. After hundreds of years of pretending that my experience with her was nothing more than a mindless folly...after hundreds of years of telling myself that I was only using her in my time of emotional vulnerability...after hundreds of years of trying to convince myself that she never seated herself within the deep confines of my heart and that I was never deeply in love with her, I admit this fact to myself (with extreme ire, vehemence and disdain). These disconcerting feelings are not directed at her, however. They are directed at myself, for firstly allowing myself to love someone as heartless, and selfish as her, and also for lying to myself for all of these years and subsequently destroying myself because of it._

_There are times, even today, where I find myself idly thinking of her and wondering had I just never opened myself up to her then I would be better off. This path of self-destruction would have never commenced. I would still be me, essentially. Then there are times when I am pleased that everything that happened between us did in fact occur. Not only because of the learning experience that it offered, or the fact that I grew from it, but because I am somewhat pleased for the moments that I spent with her that were pleasurable and generated genuine smiles and feelings of happiness (however brief and minimal these moments were). _

_Presently, I tell myself that I am not attracted to women or men, and that is partially true. While I have experienced a minor attraction to one woman since Katerina (Elena Gilbert), I never truly wanted her. In fact, I recently figured out why I revealed my appreciation for her compassionate nature in hopes that it would completely turn her off from me. It was a repellent. I was rejecting her. I sensed something in her moments after my resurrection (for which she was of course responsible) and it made me extremely uncomfortable. That's when I knew what it was...chemistry. A person's eyes are interesting, in that they conceal basically nothing. I knew that an immediate redirection was in order. I wanted her to keep her distance. I wanted no fruition of the relationship beyond mutual interests, because I knew that I would do nothing but push her away; possibly hurt her. Elena is a very nice young woman, who hardly deserves that sort of treatment. Thus I stopped that train before it ever had a chance to choose a destination. Destruction._

_My problem is that I'm not attracted to women. I'm attracted to woman. My attraction has been (and probably forever will be) stuck on Katerina Petrova. The situation is thoroughly annoying, ridiculous, and quite childish. The immaturity behind being unable to move on is what I find most detestable in a person. Even more so detestable in an original vampire. God forbid I encounter a mirror on an exceptionally irritating day. My emotional adherence to her is hardly indicative of an inherent desire to be with her. Quite the contrary. I know that Katerina is evil. And among immaturity and stupidity, I also find evil to be an equally detestable character flaw. _

_And so, it is because of this that I want absolutely nothing to do with her. But I can't deny that if she were to change, reclaim her humility and redeem herself (possibly find a soul a midst this redemptive journey) and by some very unlikely twist of fate we were to be reunited, I would desire her once more. She once told me that of all the men that she was with, I was the only one that she would consider marrying. To this day, I doubt the sincerity of this statement and am still persistent on the theory that it was a line she used to get me to bed her. Though she did utter these words after our consummation ..I digress. So as it stands, I'm emotionally (and likely spiritually) bound to an evil creature whom I want absolutely nothing to do with ever again and it is destroying me indefinitely. My only hope is to fully submit myself to solitude and bind myself only to familial duties. This is the only way that I can break free of the hold that Katerina has over me. This is the only way that I can find joy and be alive once again. Only being alone can keep me from fading away._

_*Falling in love with the wrong person can truly kill you if you allow it to do so. Guard your heart...but retain its warmth.*_


End file.
